Worthwhile Pursuits

When in lockdown mode, I always promise myself that I am going to make it to the other side having padded up my resume to sizeable proportions in addition to pursuing worthwhile pursuits that don’t include wishing that this is all over. The idea is to eat right, work out diligently, follow it up with yoga and meditation, read as many books as possible, write up a storm and churn out a Booker Prize winner, take a class to learn how to invest my meagre income brilliantly, practice my adavus diligently so that I am not the despair of my dance teacher, spend quality time with family members and reach out to friends for support while the rest of my country deals with an Apocalypse Now type situation.

In the interest of furthering my noble ideals, I swore off social media and WhatsApp because it became increasingly obvious that it is entirely possible to while away all of time while doom scrolling on Twitter or checking WhatsApp forwards for anything that is remotely interesting or true. This precipitous decision was further prompted by the suspicion that I am eventually going to disappear into the digital void leaving only my spectacles behind in the physical realm we occupy. Plus, the fact, that I now consider a day to have been productive if I remember to wash my hair.

It wasn’t too much of an ordeal, especially since I am allowed OTT. I played more with my pups and talked to my daughters about how the pandemic is making us all feel besieged, which is why we all need to remember to be nice to each other, stay calm, blah, blah. It was quite the rousing speech, and I felt the kids had totally imbibed the wisdom I was trying to impart. But that was before they got into a shouting match and swore they were no longer sisters. I would have intervened but I was busy fighting the husband for the last scoop of dark chocolate gelato. 

When one is not vertical scrolling away to ignominy, there is plenty of time to reflect. I realized that I haven’t done any of the things I was supposed to have done by now. There has never been a good time to follow through on my plan to make like Ibn Battuta or Marco Polo to explore the unknown. I am yet to learn French cooking at Le Cordon Bleu or earn a doctorate in Criminal Psychology. I still can’t drive a car to save my life and haven’t rocked a pair of stilettos ever. These things make you question your entire existence. Which is why I decided to write about it in a bid to make today feel like it counted. A little.

This column originally appeared in The New Indian Express.

Choose Hope over Hate and Hurt

 

Currently, India is on its knees, rocked by a new vicious strain of a virus on a rampage which has led to a national catastrophe and a terrifying spike in the infection and mortality rate. Every time somebody calls, sends a message or puts up a desperate post on social media it is either a plea for help or dire tidings. The worst part is this unmitigated disaster could have been averted with a little advance planning and common sense. They warning signs were there after all, but the government was busy patting itself and sanctioning the building of central vistas to commemorate its successes. The citizenry, convinced that Coronasura had been beaten engaged in reckless, irresponsible behavior. Now the entire nation is besieged by disease and heartbreak.

It is bad enough the response to the renewed threat has been shockingly inept with hospitals and health care personnel hopelessly overwhelmed and the ineffectual vaccine rollout seeing less than two percent of the populace vaccinated. But there is worse. Heartless black marketers are stealing and selling lifesaving drugs and oxygen cylinders at exorbitant prices while all around there are desperate people trying to save their loved ones. Experts are predicting 1 million deaths from Covid -  19 by August while there are others who are insisting that we crossed that figure already.

Yet, it would never do for us to give up and surrender to hopelessness or anger. Because to do so would be to run full tilt into an even greater tragedy. Now more than ever, we need to believe that we can still turn things around. To do that, we need to have faith in ourselves and those around us. We need to pitch in and help in whatever way we can. Share information and resources on social media not vitriol and fake news. If possible help by preparing nutritious meals for the sick and frontline workers, instead of criticizing others. Reach out to the less fortunate with money or timely aid and help them access essentials like food, medicine, a good internet connection or a lifesaving vaccination shot. Amplify the voices of those in need and question those in power when confronted with evidence of incompetence or rampant corruption.

 If you don’t feel like doing any of these things because you are scared senseless and you just want to stay at home and vegetate in front of Netflix for a momentary respite from a world that is crumbling around you, that is fine too. At times like this, we need to support each other. And when it gets to be too much let us remember that the bad thing about good times is they don’t last and the good thing about bad times is they don’t last either.

This column was originally published in The New Indian Express.

Battling the Rodent Menace

 

These are bizarre times. Headlines heavily laden with alarm inform us that India is battling a record Covid surge that makes 2020 look like a dream year. Hospitals are running out of beds, oxygen, and anti – viral drugs like Remdesivir while the infection and death toll is steadily mounting. There are urgent calls for increased vaccine rollouts even as concerns are raised regarding the risk of blood – clots from the AstraZeneca jab (Covishield in India). The situation is dire, but you wouldn’t believe it judging by the widespread participation in innumerable political rallies and religious gatherings held across the length and breadth of the country. Hundreds of thousands congregated on the banks of the Ganga in Haridwar to celebrate the Kumbh Mela while large crowds religiously attended super spreader election rallies held in Tamil Nadu, Kerala, and West Bengal, blithely ignoring safety norms. And that is not all.

Most people who were haphazard about using masks and practicing social distancing to start with, seem to have given up completely and go about their business, determined to ignore the menace that is this pandemic. Celebs vacation in Maldives and Goa, ‘inspiring’ their followers to live it up instead of cowering at home, terrified of an allegedly killer virus that has stubbornly and inconveniently refused to disappear in a puff of smoke.

Those godawful pics of naked sadhus and devotees cavorting in the river, the crowds thronging election campaigns and similar displays of folks flagrantly flouting health protocols evincing a blatant disregard for the greater good makes one wonder about India and Indians. Over the past few years, we have taken to bragging about the glories of our culture, heritage and civilization conveniently choosing to ignore the harsh reality. Which is that as a nation and people, we more closely resemble the armies of rats converging en masse on towering garbage dumps given to public defecation, a tendency to mindlessly procreate, a propensity for spreading disease and causing endless pandemonium with reckless disregard for rules. It is a crying shame and a scathing indictment of us, as supremely unworthy citizens.

Perhaps, now that we have taken a good look at ourselves and vomited copiously, we can work towards being a better version of ourselves. Education is key and it is worrying that educational institutions have been shut for over a year now. With digital access lacking for students in impoverished households, most risk being left behind even as the rest of India plods on with callous indifference. And it is not only the young who need educating. We need to give serious thought about ensuring that adults can aspire to become political leaders, parents, devotees and sexually active individuals only after completing requisite courses to minimize their innate capacity for screwing up.

 This column was originally published in The New Indian Express.

The Perils of a Hasty Mission to Win Immunity

 

Letitita Wright, who rose to fame with her star making turn in Black Panther, posted a link to a YouTube video which raised questions about the Covid – 19 vaccine. Needless to say, Wright was savaged on social media, accused of endorsing unscientific viewpoints and supporting anti – vaccine propaganda. For her part, the actor remained unapologetic and defended her post saying that that there was no intention to hurt anyone and all she had done was air concerns about what the vaccine contained and about what we are being asked to inject into our bodies. Ultimately though, when the tsunami of criticism proved unrelenting she deleted her social media accounts.

I can’t say my understanding of the scientific details pertaining to vaccinations are sound and must confess to an abhorrence of needles although I am not against vaccination itself and think Edward Jenner’s contribution is invaluable. Even so, I have serious doubts about a vaccine for which the trials, tests, research and analysis have taken place at breakneck pace. Pfizer/BioNTech, whose product is being administered to people around the world have emphasized that none of the steps have been skipped, necessary approvals from regulatory bodies have been obtained, the vaccine uses bits of genetic code (mRNA) to build immunity against Covid, and has largely proved to be effective and safe.

So far, so good. But if like me, you have read John Le Carre’s excellent The Constant Gardener, you will be seriously worried about the dark side of Big Pharma. It is well known that pharmaceutical giants have a track record of offering fat incentives to doctors, health care providers and pharma sales reps to promote their iffy drugs. Aggressive, multi – million-dollar marketing by drug makers has led to a proven pattern of over – diagnosis, prescription and drug abuse.

Let us also take a moment to remember the lawsuits lodged against pharmaceuticals, shedding light on fraudulent, illegal conduct that has endangered public health. Global pharma has a long history of shelling out big bucks to settle allegations of criminal wrongdoing, falsifying data and wrongfully promoting drugs beyond a licensed condition. In 2009 and 2012, Pfizer paid billions to settle criminal and civil liabilities for illegally promoting drugs, submitting false claims, bypassing insurance agencies, bribing government officials, hospital administrators, doctors as well as members of regulatory and purchasing committees in countries across the world.

Yet we are keen to place our trust in these pharmaceutical companies because we have had it with 2020 which has been the suckiest year in recent memory and can’t wait for 2021 where armed with immunization from a miracle vaccine we can stride forth boldly into a mask – free existence without worrying endlessly about infection and death. Even if it means being hasty and endangering ourselves further.

This article was published in The New Indian Express.

 

Leave them Kids Alone!

 

It was never easy being a kid but this is a particularly frightful time to be one. Schools remain shut as the pandemic has forced the enforcement of safety measures with varying levels of strictness. Which means children are losing out on those precious hours when they can have their parents out of their hair, catch up with friends and get up to all kinds of mischief while the teacher is droning on about all the things they need to memorize if they hope to become a Doctor or Engineer. They are also missing out on all those tedious extra classes their parents had signed them up for in the hope that their precious offspring will become an Olympic gold medalist, Noble laureate, or at the very least one of those geeky types who make a gazillion bucks by inventing apps, gadgets and all those techie thingamajigs.

Now they have online classes where they keep their eyes glued to a screen, pretending to pay attention to flustered teachers who have yet to master the demands of the new medium, fudging notes, casually cheating on tests while diligently catching up with buddies and cousins on Hangouts arguing about whose parents are more annoying or engaging in heated debates regarding the awesomeness of One Direction Vs BTS. When they have a little down time, they are expected to help with household chores and they can’t afford to slack off since their mommies have sworn to cook their handheld devices in the microwave the next time there is a dirty dish in the sink, chocolate milk stains under the table, or laundry items that have not been folded and put away.

And then there are those coding classes which are all the rage thanks to Madhuri Dixit’s white smile and convincing spiel about how coding is invaluable towards helping youngsters enhance their logical faculties, math skills, creativity and of course, the possibility of becoming the next generation’s Bill Gates or Steve Jobs. The only consolation is that the older kids have it worse. The ones who have to clear the dreaded entrance exams which are tough to crack in the best of times but have become even more formidable thanks to the Covid – 19 threat and the ensuing mayhem. Or those whose parents paid exorbitant rates to get admission to fancy colleges in India or abroad only to be told that the campuses and classrooms are indefinitely closed.

With increased levels of anxiety, stress and depression being reported among children, perhaps it is of paramount importance to ease up on the pressures of our expectations regarding what we want for our youngsters and let them chart their own course in an uncertain future. After all, they are marginally less befuddled than we are.

This column was originally published in The New Indian Express.

When Paranoia met Corona

 

Even in pre – Corona days, I was a compulsive hand washer and my handbag was never without a small bottle of sanitizer. One can never be too careful. People in these parts poop, pee, and noisily spit just about anywhere. As a WFH author, I have long encouraged myself to practice social distancing and it was never difficult because I have an abhorrence of crowds and will risk wading into one only if Vijay Sethupathy/Devarokonda have released a movie. Social gatherings aren’t a big draw either unless there is coffee and cake. But since I can brew a wicked cup of coffee myself and now that my relationship with my tempestuous oven is cordial there is no reason to try and cure my tendency to be a hopeless introvert who is perfectly comfortable eschewing socializing, virtual or otherwise.

The husband who was cautious to start with seems headed towards full-blown hyper - vigilantism. He is making his own sanitizer with isopropyl alcohol and glycerine, vacuuming every inch of the house and scrubbing all available surfaces with lizol and I believe he spends his free time drawing up plans to build a sterile bubble we can step into every time we have to step out in order to rebuff germs as well as its carriers for good.

We have welcomed the newly enforced rules and regulations insisting that people wash their hands with soap and reaffirm their commitment to personal hygiene. Yet, even I can’t help but think we are going too far and it is high time we got a grip. For it is one thing to be sensibly cautious but quite another when we allow ourselves to become dangerously paranoid. There are too many news articles attesting to how we have swung towards the latter. 

These are hardly the best of times and it is okay to be scared. But when we allow unfounded fear and irrational concerns to rule over good sense, an already crappy situation becomes far crappier. It is heart-breaking to hear about doctors being pelted with stones, nurses evicted from their apartments by heartless landlords, relatives of the deceased being hounded and harassed while attempting to perform the last rites, and immigrant workers being barred entry from their villages and towns. It is sensible to want to avoid risking infection but not if it is going to cost us our humanity.

We are in this together and it is only a matter of time before we learn to live with Corona the way we do with the umpteen viruses, bacteria and thoughtless humans out there. So wash your hands, drink your coffee, eat your cake and do whatever it takes to prevent going stir crazy.

This article was published in The New Indian Express.

A Human Approach to Impending Danger

Photo | PTI

Ostriches supposedly bury their heads in the sand when they are threatened or frightened. It is universally agreed that this is the stupidest of moves. My 10 – year old who loves animals, birds and National Geographic busted this myth. She told me that it is an optical illusion because these large birds have disproportionately tiny heads and when they are checking on their eggs which they have laid by digging deep holes in the dirt and building their nests, it looks like they have their heads buried in the sand. Humans on the other hand have a pronounced tendency to stick their heads up their backsides in the middle of a crisis or even otherwise, and that I am afraid is no myth.

For instance, take lockdown 4.0 currently in progress. There are thousands of rules about what the citizens can or cannot do which are disseminated on news channels and via Whatsapp forwards. Thousands of Covid - related circulars have been issued by the Central and state governments to clarify or counter instructions given in circulars circulated earlier and we can expect thousands more to ‘clarify’ the clarifications. It is a vicious circle and the end result is chaos. The only thing that is crystal clear is that none of the people who have been entrusted with the fate of the nation have a clue about what ought to be done.

Sample this. Liquor shops were opened across the length and breadth of the country thanks to government orders. According to some statistics I dredged up from the internet more people die every hour from alcohol – related issues than Corona at its most contagious. And yet, the government in its infinite wisdom decides that is imperative that the good citizens be allowed to drink themselves to death and spread the damn virus even as the curve stubbornly refuses to flatten. Given the big bucks liquor sales rake in for the government it is easy to see why such a dubious decision was made even as unemployment rates soar and suicide cases have spiked over people’s inability to make ends make.

Then there is the question of the migrant labourers. The government has opened train services to help them reach their homes, but apparently they have to cough up dough they do not have to avail themselves of these services. According to the Inter – State Migrant Workmen Act, 1979, on cessation of employment, the employer must pay the employee’s fare for their journey home. Why is this law being ignored? Also has any thought at all been put into the fact that this exodus from the red urban zones to the green rural areas heightens the risk of contagion? Also how will businesses that have been re – opened find labourers when they have no idea about how or if the migrant workers will make it back to their jobs?

Then there is the question of population explosion. A top UN body has declared that India is projected to record 20 million births between March and December, 2020. It is a pity that contraceptives are not counted as a must have and no steps are being taken to make them available free of cost for the poor and needy.

There seems to be little preparation or planning for the cataclysmic aftermath of Corona and if we don’t remove our heads from where they are currently lodged at present, they will roll. 

This article was originally published in The New Indian Express.

In low spirits over the sale of liquor

I keep telling myself not to write long posts where I do little more than grouse and grumble over a bunch of things that bug the hell out of me. Something (my blog history) tells me I do that a lot, and whiny monkey is not the best of looks for me. And yet, despite trying to keep my itching fingers away from the keyboard for two whole days, it was inevitable that I caved. How in the name of all things holy and unholy did the government make the unbelievable decision to open liquor store outlets across the length and breadth of the country while the rest of the country languishes in this thrice damned lockdown? How? How? How? Also Why? Why? Why? And WTF?

According to some statistics I dredged up from the internet (which may or may not be 100% accurate) alcohol claims 2,60,000 lives every year, 29 people die every hour from excessive boozing and 712 people die every day as a direct result of swilling alcohol. Even if you stink at mathematical calculations and processing numerical data like yours truly it is still painfully obvious that Corona has nothing on these figures. And yet, the government in its infinite wisdom decides that is imperative that the good citizens be allowed to drink themselves to death and spread the damn virus which has us all in a vise – like grip with the numbers spiking every single day and the curve stubbornly refusing to flatten. Thank you very much, so – called representatives of the people, for the people and by the people!

Of course, if you take a look at the income generated by liquor sales for the government it become crystal clear. The internet was most obliging when it came to providing me with further stats for this post. Studies done in 2018, reveal that the government earns around Rs. 3.10 lakh crore from the sale of alcohol with the 29 states and union territories averaging sales worth Rs. 15,000 crores per month. So big bucks wins over paltry things like safety, ethics and doing the right thing. Every single time.

It is disgusting and all the memes flooding the internet over this god-awful situation doesn’t make it any less awful. With sales being broken and records being set over people’s alacrity in getting their hands on their favourite poison, I am cynical about the shutters coming down anytime soon. Or the booze – hounds and govt. giving a crap about the social – distancing norms that are supposed to be enforced. Sigh!

Perhaps the idea is to encourage people to stay sozzled and clueless about exactly how clueless those who run this country are. I mean they still haven’t made up their minds about whether the migrant workers should be allowed to go home or not, since the economy needs to be kick-started and business men/industrialists chaffing at the bit to begin normal operations cannot be denied much longer. What about the alarming increase in reported instances of physical, emotional, and domestic abuse directed against women, children and the elderly? Allowing these animals access to alcohol is certain to exacerbate the problem. And no, sharing pics of the women who lined up to buy liquor to shame and troll them across social media platforms does little more than draw attention to the rampant sexism ingrained in so many that leads to shameful #boislockerroom situations. Blame the bad habit not the gender of those who indulge in said habit.

I have nothing against people who enjoy the occasional tipple. To each their own.  But having studied addiction in all its terrifying glory all I can say is that it is not a laughing matter when so many make the decision to spend their life in an alcoholic haze, planning their every move to ensure the next fix, endangering the lives of near ones by giving in to violent tendencies because it is easy to blame the booze, driving under the influence knowing that the law enforcers don’t care until innocent people are actually killed and sometimes not even then, blowing up their life’s savings on drink and driving their families to miserable penury until they mercifully drop dead due to alcohol related complications. And no… putting up those irritating disclaimers in every single movie that hits the screens asserting that alcohol drinking is injurious to health and risks life and limb is just not going to cut it when the government remains committed to endangering the lives of its citizens by feeding their addiction in exchange for beaucoup bucks.

As responsible citizens, it is time we put our foot down and stopped patronizing the business interests of those who couldn’t care less about the collective well-being of this great nation and her people. Rather than splurge on booze, perhaps tipplers could use the money to buy meals for the less fortunate. Or swear off intoxicants altogether. That ought to show em!

Check out this article carried by Zee Media Bureau on the economics and statistics of liquor sales that prompted the govt. to encourage its citizens to turn to drink. 

Is the fight against Corona, jeopardizing our future?

Wish a superhero would show up and fix this already...

Most of us seldom have anything commendable to say about our elected leaders. And with good reason. It is almost as if being corrupt, ruthless, incompetent, ignorant, or downright criminal is the job description of a career politician. As voters, we are used to making the best of abysmal choices and we all fumble along, hoping against hope that a great leader will emerge out of nowhere to save us from all the things we need saving from. Or at least, not screw us over so badly that we are left unable to defend ourselves and safeguard our best interests.

Neither of these things seem to be happening as the world does battle with the Coronavirus and leaders of countries and states find themselves saddled with the task of dealing with an unprecedented crisis. There is sweeping condemnation for nearly all of them, no matter what they do or don’t. And I can’t help but be concerned about the fate of this nation and the world at large, which currently rests in the hands of those who haven’t given us much reason to trust or respect them.

All of us are running scared right now. The uncertainty and paucity of information is hard to take. The social and economic consequences of this complete shutdown of normal life is going to be long – lasting and possibly cause a lot more havoc than the virus itself. The initial data suggests that among those who have tested positive for Covid – 19 in the general population, the symptoms are mild and don’t require hospitalization. The more serious cases requiring intensive care, have mainly been seen among those above the age of sixty and higher. The fatalities have mostly been limited to the elderly and those suffering from chronic illness or compromised immune systems. Which is not to say the younger populace, under 30 years of age has remained unaffected or free from fatality. No doubt, the statistics will keep shifting and it will be months before a clearer picture emerges.

In the meantime, nearly all our resources are being expended on a confused, sporadic effort to contain the virus and flatten the curve without much thought being given to the efficacy of this approach or the collateral damage that is already taking a toll on the populace. The lockdown has crippled the entire workforce forcing thousands into an impoverished state left with no means to take care of themselves or their families. Forget access to a health care system that is certainly on the verge of being overwhelmed, many have been left without clean water, food, or a roof over their heads. How long can this pitiable state be allowed to continue? Even if this were to blow over, unemployment will be at an all-time high and small businesses may not recover. And let us not even begin to discuss the state of public morale after the staggering costs exacted by this catastrophe.

Hospitals have shut their outpatient departments and are focusing solely on this pandemic on government orders at the expense of those afflicted with far more life – threatening disorders and conditions since all surgeries and medical procedures barring emergencies have been deferred indefinitely. The plight of those diagnosed with cancer, HIV, renal failure and other diseases or disorders is worrisome as cops prowling the roads use any and all means to ensure that people do not leave their homes. Surely it is unconscionable to leave the sick and diseased not afflicted with Covid – 19 to get by as best as they can? What is the point of keeping some safe from Corona while leaving others to die or have irreparable damage done to their health by allowing serious ailments to go untreated?

The gnawing questions persist even as they send our anxiety soaring into the stratosphere. When will it be safe for us to leave our homes and return en masse to the workplace? Will schools be reopened soon? When will we identify the best treatment methods to beat this thing? How much time will it take to develop a vaccine? What about the costs we are inadvertently incurring both inside and outside the financial sphere? There are no answers available at present and I don’t think they will be forthcoming anytime soon. All we can do is hunker down and keep our fingers as well as toes crossed as we wait interminably for this thing to blow over, hopefully sooner rather than later.

As for the fight against Corona, it cannot be allowed to cause even more devastation than the virus is likely to cause. Therefore, it is to be hoped that our leaders, whatever their failures in the past may have been will redeem themselves by figuring out the best way to fight the virus and save those who are infected but not by putting the future of everyone else at risk. What we need are unlikely heroes, who will rise to the occasion and do battle with the forces of disease and despair, and deliver us safe and sound into a better future.

The things you miss and don’t during the Quarantine

The husband declares war on dirt!

Another day filled to the brim with household chores. The husband has been in the midst of a cleaning frenzy – dusting and mopping with a dedication that boggles the mind. He has declared war on every spot, stain, cobweb as well as every lizard that has long defied my determined attempts to evict them from our home. The better half was ruthless rather like a Monica Gellar on steroids, but he became a tad dejected when confronted with the unshakeable persistence of the dust demons that cling to everything lasciviously and the unavoidable sightings of assorted smudges, spatters, and smears that will always besmirch the place, despite your relentless efforts.

With all the wisdom of the veteran albeit reluctant, somewhat resigned domestic diva, I told him that he could spend every minute of every day, being Monica Gellar (on steroids!) and cleaning with a vengeance but in the end, the dirt always wins. The prudent thing to do is to do what I do which is to make your peace with all things messy as long as it has the good sense to remain out of sight. Plus, you can assure yourself that seven star levels of cleanliness don’t translate to cosy and homey. Besides it is cruel to whack every spider you meet with your broom. It is not humanitarian and their rough spun, yet delicate webs are works of art that add something to the décor. However, I will not object if lizards or cockroaches are ruthlessly exterminated. Why aren’t the damned things not even close to extinction anyway?

Being the novice he is, the husband ignored my sage advice, muttered something about people who rationalize away their shoddiness and informed me that he will achieve the impossible seven star standard of hygiene tomorrow. I nodded indulgently, just glad that I didn’t have to dust or mop, and turned my attention to the ants that were trying to sneak into my jar of overpriced Patanjali honey. It was time to roll up my sleeves and switch to killer mode!

True dat!

Having cleaned up all evidence of the carnage, I found my thoughts turning to the Before Corona era. It is the simple things I miss the most like hanging out aimlessly at the mall, watching movies at the theatre while the rowdy fans whistle and raise hell, grabbing coffee with pals and simply shooting the breeze, making not so environment friendly plans with family and friends since they usually involved travelling or eating out, rushing around taking care of irksome errands, getting jostled by the unruly crowd at theme parks, markets and wherever you happened to be at any given moment. Hell, I even think longingly of the daily grind when 24 hours was not sufficient to honour all your personal or professional commitments not to mention the interminable deadlines which would send my stress levels soaring through the roof. Most of all, I miss haranguing the maid for neglecting to sweep under the sofa or breaking my mother – in – law’s pickle jar. Sigh, those were the good old days!

Good riddance!

However, I certainly don’t miss the endless traffic, serpentine queues and appalling levels of pollution. Or the people who didn’t think there was anything wrong with coughing in your face, elbowing you out of the way or peeing on your compound wall. Or the road. Or any public or private property that wasn’t an honest to goodness restroom. And I don’t miss shaking hands (I have always preferred Namaskaram or a simple wave, after all there is no way to ascertain whether the person shaking your hand has washed their hands after using the loo or digging their nose.) So I guess, there is that.

What do I do now? Perhaps I will take a nap and dream of a Corona free future which is a lot closer than we dare hope.

THE DIVERSE RESPONSES TO THE CORONA THREAT

Sometimes the response to a crisis is a lot worse than the crisis itself!

A devastating crisis is the truest test of character. And we all know that the C in Crisis stands for Corona (the virus, not the beer in case anybody is still confused). Isolating oneself during an enforced lockdown can make you painfully aware of uncomfortable truths about said self. The sneaking sense of relief when CDC news bulletins reveal that it is the elderly, infants, health care providers, first responders, the mentally ill, substance abusers, those with compromised immune systems/chronic illnesses who are the ones at a higher risk of getting infected and succumbing to the virus. The realization that you are unhealthily dependent on your maid and are composing epic odes professing your fondness for her even though you discovered dust balls aplenty and countless carcasses of lizards beneath the corner sofa not to mention the chip on the delicate porcelain figurine you proudly display in the hall. The secret fear that cabin fever will get you before Corona will. The realization that you care less about those who are infected or at risk and more about the personal inconvenience caused by a global pandemic…

At times, like this as my Guru Shri Sadhyanandha who my imaginary shrink (the real ones are too pricey or too reminiscent of Hannibal Lecter) tells me is merely one among the voices in my head, says, it is best to turn your gaze outward to better unearth the secrets of the Universe and coerce the cosmic forces to work in your favour. Thus comfortably ensconced in your armchair, you can turn a judgemental gaze on everybody else and feel better about the deficiencies in your own character as well as find a refuge from your deepest, darkest fear of dying alone from unspeakably gross symptoms in a hospital bed, a victim of a viral apocalypse.

It is interesting to note the diverse responses elicited by the Corona threat. Some have become obsessive neat freaks and compulsive hand washers who would bathe in sanitizer if only the idiotic panic buyers had not brought out the entire stock. Now that is not a bad thing in a country like India where most play hard and fast with hygiene, personal or otherwise. But the flip side is that people who are buying masks like it is going out of style also toss them out miles away from the nearest overflowing bin which has not been emptied let alone cleaned out in decades, along with used tissues, and other objects redolent with assorted disease carrying germs. But even the litterbugs are not as bad as the recklessly slovenly who lick toilets, and other objects in public spaces as part of a Corona challenge on Tik Tok. It makes one wonder why so many fear Corona when it is the supreme human capacity for being moronic that will be the death of us all.

Social media is a storehouse of information into the human psyche and it is most revealing if you have the time to waste. Some use hashtags like #perfectlyimperfect to show off their greys and burgeoning love handles as they stress eat their way through a global catastrophe while cussing out a government that does not include beauticians and stylists under essential services. Does the Supreme Leader not realize that our good looks aren’t the bounty of Mother Nature but may be solely attributed to oodles of cash and countless hours sunk into beauty salons? As for those who think a trip to the bathroom merits a fresh shade of lipstick and a blow out, they are bingeing too but on steamed broccoli and extra portions of quinoa but only after they have crushed a six hour plyometric burn session. Some clearly choose to let themselves go when death may potentially be around the corner while others are just as determined to look their best.

Newsfeeds, timelines and whatsapp forwards are unbeatable when it comes to highlighting the contradictory nature of humans. Many are determinedly positive as they post life – affirming messages, inspiring quotes, videos of cats cuddling up against patients when not nursing them back to health and countless pics of people helping each other out with a smile rendering yeoman service to society. These are convinced that all one needs in life threatening situations is the right attitude and even the most virulent of contagions can be wished away by the power of a positive outlook.

The negative Nellies will have no truck with them though. Dwellers in darkness, the morbidly cynical grapple endlessly with the hopelessness of the situation. They look for and find all things oppressive, losing no time to acquaint their followers with graphic images of police brutality, mobs on rampage in grocery stores with magnificent disdain for social distancing, fat cat politicians getting stinking drunk at noisy parties organized smack dab in the middle of a lockdown and old folks dying alone on pavements having been turned out of hospitals already filled to bursting with the sick, dying and chronic hypochondriacs.

Some are scared silly and spend their days praying to forgotten deities to keep them safe from unknown terrors, lurking monsters and killer diseases. Others are reckless, eating, drinking, dancing and dreaming with abandon committed to ‘sucking the marrow out of life’ even if it kills them. 

Some are so obsessed with Corona, they can't seem to function without being overwhelmed by endless anxiety and tormented by graphic visions of being trapped in a sea of infected phlegm as the virus gets its grasping paws on them. Not everyone can be bothered with Corona though. Not when there are countless unwatched movies on Netflix, toenails to be painted, books to immerse oneself in, kids to cuddle and scold, instant noodles to be consumed, chores to be palmed off on reluctant spouses, and the latest Tik Tok challenge to be taken on. As for me, it is time for me to make my way to the bottom of a gallon of ice cream (malted chocolate fudge) before the husband and kids discover my secret stash and demand their share.