Achieving Enlightenment the Easy Way

The pursuit of enlightenment is simplicity itself. Especially in Kaliyuga, where the asuric forces of misinformation, consumerism, global warming, abysmal AQI (on good days the levels are unhealthy to hazardous while on bad days it climbs from toxic to deathly), criminality and corruption are on the rampage. It is no longer necessary to spend thousands of years locked in meditation with the body twisted up in impossible yogic poses, and the diet limited to dew drops, fallen leaves, and the occasional sluggish snail. In an age where the degradation of the human spirit and flesh is complete, the path to moksha is smoother than ever requiring only simple acts of kindness which delays the prophesied dissolution of the entire world by a few decades. Acts of bravery, selflessness and true devotion are similarly amplified. 

I am inclined to start the spiritual ascent sooner rather than later. But it might be better to begin from a place of strength as was pointed out to Michael Corleone in The Godfather, which means my life needs to be sorted out first. Which in turn entails achieving all my goals small and big, including the ones younger versions of me in decades past assumed I would have pulled off by now. 

Secondly, budgeting for enlightenment is a beastly business. Especially since the frame of mind required for doing good unto others requires a level of well-being that is frankly impossible to achieve without eating, praying and loving Elizabeth Gilbert style. 

In order to do that, I need to make indecent amounts of money by oversharing about my life-altering experiences from having travelled across every nook and cranny of the lost and forsaken cities like Cahokia, Çatalhöyük, Mohenjodaro, Pripyat and Angamuco in a book that will be a meticulous record of my passionate meandering. But grand expeditions on this scale which will enable me to tell my tall tales cost a bomb. The state of my current finances and my inability to budget for daily life let alone the adventure of a lifetime which will ensure that I can safely travel into the mysterious past while battling superheated volcanic gas and ancient zombies while tucking into bygone culinary delights and return in one piece needs to be addressed immediately. 

As such, I plan to learn everything I can about investment, the bulls and bears of the stock market, dogecoin, and the sastras pertaining to success. It might be best to enroll in an Ivy League college. Too bad I cannot afford it. 

It makes no matter. Becoming a loaded influencer is simplicity itself. All I need to do is film myself summiting Mt. Everest using only my hands in the manner of Karaikal Ammaiyar. It would have been accomplished too had I not accidentally dropped my stupid phone in the loo. But that is easily fixed. Just as soon as I become the proud owner of a Falcon Supernova IPhone 6 Pink Diamond. 

At this point, there might be those like my best friend who think I am being unreasonable and more than a little stupid. Just do it, she said the way your beloved Michael Jordan did. I fully intend to. Just as soon as I stop chasing my own tail, become a grown up and access the truth within to achieve eternal salvation. 

This article originally appeared in TNIE magazine

How my First Wheels Built my Character

Nobody forgets their first wheels even if it isn’t particularly sexy or ever likely to adorn fancy billboards with John Abraham straddling it. I was about four when it came into my possession. A beautiful red Raleigh bicycle which had been gifted to my Dad by my Grandfather in the 60s. The pater is a hoarder if there ever was one and had guarded it with his life. So it was a proud day, when he bequeathed it to his firstborn. 

            Learning to ride a bicycle can be a traumatic experience, especially if you are averse to falling. But I carry no scars or emotional baggage thanks to Dad’s foresight in hanging on to the training wheels as well. They made the learning process a beautiful, bruise – free one. I am happy to report that my four year old self mastered the art fairly quickly. Soon I was spending every waking moment on my lovely bicycle, fancying myself an intrepid explorer like Magellan or Vasco Da Gama. Of course in reality Mum who had this irrational fear that her daughter would get hit by a truck expressly forbade me from riding outside our ancestral home. She even had paid enforcers to execute her rules. Not that it stopped me from embarking on daring adventures.

            One involved an expedition to verify if there were ghouls suspended from the hidden branches of the large mango tree in Grandmum’s garden (I had it on good authority from our cook who may or may not have been trying to get rid of a pesky child). In hair – raising ventures of a blood – curdling nature, one finds that self – confidence is boosted if a quick getaway vehicle is available. Thanks to my trusty steed, I felt brave enough to undertake many perilous missions in search of buried treasure and fabled monsters. We never returned empty handed – our cup runneth over with discarded marbles, the odd chocolate wrapper, dead frogs and on one magnificent occasion – lizard (basilisk?) eggs in a forgotten switch board.

            The thrills were too many to be described and the dangers were real. On that terror – fraught day, I was cycling along briskly, when my unusually sharp eyes caught sight of a tiny bee – hive in the making. Convinced it was a fairy’s cottage, I abandoned my customary caution and blundered in for a closer look (damn you Enid Blyton!) only to see the winged monster, a heartbeat before it stung me on the nose. In my haste to get away from the abomination, I fell off my faithful cycle for the very first time. It was painful alright but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?

            Besides, my horrific accident prepared me for what happens when obnoxious adults overrule the protests of your Mother and make you lose the training wheels. What followed is too heart – rending to relate but it did teach me the importance of never allowing your fears to get the better of you. My first wheels were truly character building and all that jazz!

            My Raleigh bike had a glorious reign but succumbed to extreme old age. I now own a pink BSA Ladybird cycle with a basket plus bell and have taken the kids and puppies for many awesome rides. Then and now, I believe in eco – friendly ways to see the world. The fact that I flunked my driving exam on account of the fact that I get panicky behind a wheel and feel like I am going to crash into the sound barrier while doing 15mph has nothing at all to do with it.

This tale of thrills and chills was originally published in The Hindu Metroplus.