Monday, January 14, 2019


We humans consider ourselves evolved beings, however, I have a sneaking suspicion that at heart, we are little more than the Apes (no offense intended to that noble species) we descended from especially since on any given day we are one bad judgement away from hurling poop at each other. If you are inclined to laugh, scoff or return to your fuzzy YouTube video of candid moments from the #DeepVeer wedding, I urge you to give me a chance to explain. After all, the impending crisis is a real one, and it makes sense to figure out how best to avert it under my expert tutelage. For otherwise the threat may snowball out of all control and culminate with people throwing poop or worse, bombs at each other (for the selfie – obsessed, I am not discussing photo bombs). 

Everybody has a short fuse nowadays. I know, because the other day folks shouted at me for cycling on the wrong side of the road (In my defence, I thought it was a shortcut). Some even wanted to know if I had informed my folks about my intention to die like a dog. Such meanies! But that was only the tip of the iceberg. On any given day, I am trolled and accused of being a gender traitor by feminists and am branded a feminazi by chauvinists. The left scolds me for being a ‘bhakt’ while the right threaten to have me arrested for being ‘anti – national’. It is almost as if I am incorrect about my own awesomeness!
There are so many angry folks out there, you would think it is a fad that refuses to fade. Which means you get dry humped while standing in those slow – moving queues irrespective of whether it is at the airport, temple, theme park, or toilet. If you protest, you are certain to get a full blast of rudeness with a side of spittle. People get pissed off while you count out the correct change and make certain you know they think you are a moron because you don’t believe in the suspicious notion of a cash free society. You can’t even allow yourself to drown your sorrows in a triple scoop ice cream sundae because some wiseacre will stare judgementally at your ample waistline or lecture you about the evils of sugar.
It is even worse, if you are a denizen of social media. Even if you are the sort of person who posts nothing but cute pics of pups and bunnies, it is only a matter of time before you manage to give offense to the army of social justice warriors out there who live to get outraged at the moral discrepancies of others (if not their own). That is enough, of that!
It is time to break away from the herd, now that it is a raging mob and embrace the contrarian within. If everybody has an informed opinion and is frothing at the mouth over it, be the one who refuses to get drawn into a fight. So what is everyone if shouting at the top of their lungs? You can maintain a dignified silence till civility is restored. So what if the entire species is reduced to mush-brained junkies glued to their phones? Read a book instead or go for a walk. Soon your sanity will spread like a contagion and more and more people will throw in their lot with you, till we have a new and improved herd!
All that remains is for you dear reader to go forth and spread the pearls of my wisdom so none of us have to worry about aggressive primates pelting us with poop. Or worse.

This article originally appeared in The Sunday Standard

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