Bringing in the New Decade with a Bang!

There is something portentous about the changing of the decade. For those who are rolling their eyes and want to insist that the new decade doesn’t begin until 2021, I offer as evidence all the glitzy end of the decade parties I haven’t been invited to and beg you to just indulge me.  Everybody feels compelled to take stock of their lives which usually involves poring over social media memories. It is a totally worthwhile pursuit that is guaranteed to put a nostalgic smile on your face when you are not bemoaning the fact that you are no longer as young or effortlessly good looking (it is all relative!) as you were ten years ago. So you make a resolution to lose weight and take care of personal wellness, which means making the commitment to eat right, put in a big chunk of your time hitting the gym and frequenting beauty salons. The idea being that if you look like Anushka Sharma or Virat Kohli, you are more likely to emulate their success and hopefully big bucks and fame are just around the corner!

There is a need to engage in deep introspection which means you plonk yourself on a yoga mat to meditate but give up in 2 seconds flat to update yourself on which exotic and extravagant locale, the movers, shakers and richly compensated influencers are holidaying in to usher in the brand new decade, so that you can go green with envy and groan pathetically over the inadequate state of your bank account. Immediately thereafter you resolve to do whatever it takes to rake in the moolah, even if it means selling your soul/organs so you can vacation in Gstaad or Bora Bora next year instead of camping out in your room drinking soda and pretending it is champagne, while choking on your lone cupcake.

Having sworn to look your best and get rich asap, the next step is to assure yourself that you are no supercilious twit by setting goals for self - improvement. That means resolving to read more books even if it extends only to sneaking into bookstores to click a couple of pics with trending bestsellers at flattering angles to be used for your #greedtoread hashtag before making a speedy getaway. Picking up a new skill or hobby is a must. Obviously that means logging in to YouTube to look at all those ‘How To’ videos that promise to make you an expert in two minutes or attending those weekend classes and workshops that guarantee a new improved personality/lifestyle for a reasonable fee (coffee/tea/snacks included)!

Of course, one must learn a new language. Perhaps one of the romance languages, so you can communicate fluently with the locals since the plan is to become rich enough to spend the holidays gallivanting in style across Europe. Or Hindi if you are worried that its imposition across India is inevitable. I have made an encouraging start and now know more swear words in Hindi than my mother tongue.

Armed thus with the loftiest of aspirations, you can stride forth confidently into the decade and make it your own. Bring it on! 

This articles originally appeared in The New Indian Express.

New Year Resolutions for Pongal

Pic courtesy: Mash Kolams

New Year resolutions are damnable things. Mostly they are social media worthy which means it involves all things supercilious bedecked in the paraphernalia of the profound. Folks are always resolving to eat healthy, stop and smell the farts roses, go with the flow, get away from the rat race, travel and see the world, quit smoking, tweet less, smile more, pay it forward, help the needy, and make the world a better place. Needless to say these resolutions are burdensome creatures and make you feel like Frodo Baggins crushed and overwhelmed under the onerous weight of the One Ring. Which probably explains why most of us feel a pressing obligation to break them as quickly as we can so that we can go back to being flawed human beings who are conceited and callous enough not to care about self – improvement or improving the lot of the less fortunate.

            How do I know these things? From personal experience of course. I had resolved to eat right, stop allowing my insecurities to become an obsession and cease revealing embarrassing details about myself when I write up these columns. But hardly two weeks into the New Year, I have failed to convince my body that it doesn’t need desserts after every meal, haven’t managed a full night’s sleep because I am trying to figure out how to become a more successful author or a self – actualized individual and you know…

When confronted with definitive evidence of a weak will and an inability to resist temptation, guilt kicks in and claws at your underbelly making you feel lower than a worm’s belly button. All too soon, one is trapped in a vicious cycle of resolutions made only to be broken and on and on it goes. Perhaps we have gotten the methodology all wrong.

            The problem is we are making resolutions to do things we have been taught to think we ought to be doing instead of the things we really want to do. Which is why we end up like those god-awful souls who judge us when we order a double chocolate chip cookie milkshake with whipped cream and ice cream to go with the garden salad with the add - on meat and insist on viewing entire areas of a perfectly decent life as inadequate. Why not simply admit that ‘I’m not okay, you’re not okay and that’s okay!’? I first heard that in the Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn classic, Dodgeball and that is not at all an embarrassing thing to admit because I am owning it now see?

            Perhaps your New Year resolution made just in time for Pongal ought to be not to make any, except that would qualify as a bona – fide resolution so what now? I know exactly what I will be doing. Now that I have made the word count for my column, I am just going to drop the whole thing and go grab a cupcake. Then I’ll probably stay up all night wondering what it is that Twinkle Khanna has and I don’t which ensures that she manages astronomical sales figures for her yarns on pads, Prasad and pyjamas while looking so damn good.

This article originally appeared in The Sunday Standard.