Embracing the chaos: Why a rigid routine for success might be overrated

 A week after the Olympics, I find myself unable to get over it. There were too many heart-rending, gut-wrenching, pelvis-clenching tales of guts and glory. These Olympians train with the white hot fury of true champs. They put their bodies through a world of gruelling grief to go faster, higher and stronger. It makes the rest of their Homo sapien brethren feel like chumps for not biohacking their way to superlative fitness.

These hyper-driven, iron-willed, muscle-bound overachievers log in countless hours at the gym, adhere to terrifying dietary restrictions, and wrestle with personal and professional demons so that they may flaunt bodies with zero per cent body fat and perfect that coldblooded, killing precision soon to be patented by Novak Djokovic. All in the hope that there is a gold medal in their future, which will ensure they make pots of money and become future trivia questions who can afford to actually live in the castles formerly built in their heads.

In a bid to emulate these superior specimens of humankind before we forget about them entirely, I have put together a foolproof, perfectly structured routine, designed to make dazzling achievers out of even those most inclined to be lazy bums. The trick is to get up at the same time everyday, somewhere between or before or after 6 am and 6 pm.

Fuel up on caffeine, your best buddy, and ignore health and wellness influencers who insist it is your worst enemy. While sipping the brew of champions, daydream like you mean it. Visualise all the dazzling things future you is going to achieve in order to make it happen. It is also a way to do so much without doing a thing.

You are what you eat. Which means you are FUBAR. Everything you eat and don’t eat will give you cancer or its equivalent. The only solution is to go back in time to a remote past before pesticides, pollution and plastics ruined everything to source wholesome meals. Since that is not possible, eat whatever you fancy. Or not. It doesn’t matter.

Exercise is important. But you are doing it wrong because whether you do it inside, outside, standing up, lying down or seated, it is proving detrimental to overall wellbeing. Your organs are messed up anyway by microplastics which are everywhere and there is no fixing the situation or the organs. I would recommend more sleep but that is as bad for you as sitting, walking, running and squatting, because you are not doing it right. The same goes double for breathing or just being.

Because as normal people, who spend all the time with their noses buried butt-deep in smartphones, it is impossible to keep up with all the contradictory health info that can save your life. Or screw it up irrevocably. Therefore it makes sense to stick to my routine of floating around somewhere between doing everything that can humanly be managed and nothing at all between napping and daydreaming. Because a life that depends on medals to make it meaningful is bound to be entirely meaningless.