Dear Indians,
Forget the New Year resolutions you made with
impractical, turbo-enthusiasm to excavate the best version of yourselves from
beneath the layers and layers of blubber and bullshit. Of course, most of you
had impressive goals. These included flying all the way to the Trou aux Cerfs
to livestream your guided tour of volcano craters and lava fields, discovering
your life's passion, running into the love of your life at Muniyandi Mess,
eating only organically sourced vegan food while training for the triathlon and
giving up gadgets entirely because it rots what's left of your rapidly
deteriorating brain. The noble aspirations are truly impressive but since you
have done little more than write these down and stick it on the fridge
proceeding to ignore it thereafter to focus on Instagram reels while chowing
down on a bucket of KFC fried chicken and staying put on your recliner, the
smart money says that your high flown aims shan't be achieved in the immediate
or even distant future.
Never fear, though. Republic day is just
around the corner and it is entirely possible to reaffirm your commitment to
making India Incredible again or at the very least, less irredeemable. Rather
than sell your admittedly annoying neighbour's kidney on the black market to
fund your trip to the Côte d'Azur, perhaps you could stay home for a change and
take up meditation or lazing around. That way you don't have to humiliate
hamara Motherland by being the typical unruly Indian tourist who puked in the
pool after demolishing the buffet and tried to escape with purloined products from the resort.
Rather than trying to live it up by walking on
our far from pristine shorelines or mountain trails with your boozehound
buddies who carelessly discard their liquor bottles and risk maiming others,
you could concentrate on sparing your liver and pavement dwellers amongst
others by not drinking yourself into a stupor and getting behind the wheel of
the imported Bugatti Centodieci your Benami Daddy bought you.
A lot of you are convinced that all it takes
to clear your crippling karmic debt thanks to a lifetime of depravity is
frequent trips to places of worship with hordes of the similarly misguided
risking the loss of lives due to stampede - friendly conditions. Perhaps you
could eschew this unholy behaviour in favor of actually being nice, well - behaved and the sort of citizen a nation
can take pride in by cleaning up after yourself instead of leaving a mountain -
high trail of garbage wherever you go and whatever you do. And if you must
visit manmade dwelling places of the divine or even any public place refrain
from shoving, spitting, or shouting. And do refrain from pissing or pooping
anywhere outside a toilet.
Remember, the odds of finding love are
enhanced if you are loveable. And you can't be that if you make it a habit to
stalk, molest or harass women. If you are a woman, do not file false cases and
betray the feminist cause. Strive to do better fellow Indians. Mother India
will thank and bless you!
Yours in EXASPERATION,
A DISGRUNTLED Indian
This article was originally published in TNIE Magazine
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