Achieving Enlightenment the Easy Way

The pursuit of enlightenment is simplicity itself. Especially in Kaliyuga, where the asuric forces of misinformation, consumerism, global warming, abysmal AQI (on good days the levels are unhealthy to hazardous while on bad days it climbs from toxic to deathly), criminality and corruption are on the rampage. It is no longer necessary to spend thousands of years locked in meditation with the body twisted up in impossible yogic poses, and the diet limited to dew drops, fallen leaves, and the occasional sluggish snail. In an age where the degradation of the human spirit and flesh is complete, the path to moksha is smoother than ever requiring only simple acts of kindness which delays the prophesied dissolution of the entire world by a few decades. Acts of bravery, selflessness and true devotion are similarly amplified. 

I am inclined to start the spiritual ascent sooner rather than later. But it might be better to begin from a place of strength as was pointed out to Michael Corleone in The Godfather, which means my life needs to be sorted out first. Which in turn entails achieving all my goals small and big, including the ones younger versions of me in decades past assumed I would have pulled off by now. 

Secondly, budgeting for enlightenment is a beastly business. Especially since the frame of mind required for doing good unto others requires a level of well-being that is frankly impossible to achieve without eating, praying and loving Elizabeth Gilbert style. 

In order to do that, I need to make indecent amounts of money by oversharing about my life-altering experiences from having travelled across every nook and cranny of the lost and forsaken cities like Cahokia, Çatalhöyük, Mohenjodaro, Pripyat and Angamuco in a book that will be a meticulous record of my passionate meandering. But grand expeditions on this scale which will enable me to tell my tall tales cost a bomb. The state of my current finances and my inability to budget for daily life let alone the adventure of a lifetime which will ensure that I can safely travel into the mysterious past while battling superheated volcanic gas and ancient zombies while tucking into bygone culinary delights and return in one piece needs to be addressed immediately. 

As such, I plan to learn everything I can about investment, the bulls and bears of the stock market, dogecoin, and the sastras pertaining to success. It might be best to enroll in an Ivy League college. Too bad I cannot afford it. 

It makes no matter. Becoming a loaded influencer is simplicity itself. All I need to do is film myself summiting Mt. Everest using only my hands in the manner of Karaikal Ammaiyar. It would have been accomplished too had I not accidentally dropped my stupid phone in the loo. But that is easily fixed. Just as soon as I become the proud owner of a Falcon Supernova IPhone 6 Pink Diamond. 

At this point, there might be those like my best friend who think I am being unreasonable and more than a little stupid. Just do it, she said the way your beloved Michael Jordan did. I fully intend to. Just as soon as I stop chasing my own tail, become a grown up and access the truth within to achieve eternal salvation. 

This article originally appeared in TNIE magazine